The Art of Selling Gifts

I believe we have already had a conversation similar to this: customers are morons. It's an important point and I am not ashamed to reiterate: customers are morons. Only by understanding this can you master the world of bookselling...

It is now the holiday season. Shit, it's been the holiday season since like September 18th, but now it's really the holiday season. (I have to say holiday because it's 2008). Shopping tends to go up during the holiday season, even in a recession. By combining this knowledge with our knowledge of the customer (viz. they are morons), you can rake in a ton of cash. Here's how it's done:

At this time of year, it is customary for individuals and/or couples to give "gifts" to other individuals and/or couples. Thus, when a customer walks into your store, they may continue to buy items for themself, but they may also buy items for someone else. That's twice the sales.

HOWEVER, do not get cocky and assume that your customers (who are, let's not forget, morons) will remember that they can purchase items for both self and other. People, like all living creatures, are selfish assholes, and will generally spend money only on improving their own ability to reproduce. (NB: Some ideas in this article have been lifted from Richard Dawkin's "The Selfish Gene". I thought Gene was going to be a particularly big prick. Then again, I can't actually read.) Thus, the customer may forget (in their moronity [which is in the dictionary]) that any items purchased from your store could, theoretically, be given away as "gifts".

Your job, as the bookseller, is to remind them. Not gently, but repeatedly and obviously and, if possible, by beating the dead horse until it turns to glue. (NB: Some parts of this article may not be scientifically accurate. I apoologize; I still cannot read.) Do not, I repeat DO NOT, attempt subltly or hinting. What are customers? Exactly. I have provided some examples.

Do NOT say "Take one of these home today". Your customers will (as morons) think, "That sign must mean my home only. Therefore, this item is not available for gift giving." (NB: I have taken some liberty with the language. I am well aware that your customers are too moronic to use a big word like "therefore".)

DO say "Buy one of these AS A GIFT for someone who is not you." Remember that all forms of capitalization, underlining, italicizing and bolding are useful in getting your point across. Feel free to use one or all of them on any given sentence, word, or syllable.

Do NOT say "Makes a nice addition to any library". We do not want to alert customers to the existence of libraries, they don't need to know they can get this shit for free. And the word "any" is awfully general.

DO say "Looks good sitting unread on the desk of someone you know more or less well. Also, cheaper than most other shit they won't use." Don't beat around the bush with these people. Stupid is as stupid does; and stupid does whatever the hell you tell them too.

It is impossible for me to give examples of every situation that may arise during this or other holiday seasons, but use my advice as the base of all your gift advertising techniques and you're sure to pull in a good share of the miniscule disposable income left in this country. Happy holidays, and happy reading (which I still can't do).

L3: The Bookstore is a Machine

The Book of The Man
Lesson #3: The Bookstore is a Machine

Like a watch. That's the kind of machine a bookstore is. A shiny, beautiful, ticking watch.

Watches are full of tiny little cogs and wheels and springs. Those are you. You, bookstore employee, are a cog, a wheel, a spring. What do we know about these little parts of a watch?

Ok, I guess they're important. But what else are they?

Small, yes. Very true. But what else?

They're hidden! No one sees the cogs and wheels and springs. No one! No, all they see is the nice, perfect hands, ticking away past the beautiful numbers.

Only the watchmaker may see the springs. Him and the guy that replaces the battery. But no one else. Unless...

Unless the watch is dropped and broken and shattered all over the ground where the shards of glass and little bits of cog and wheel are scattered everywhere to be stepped on and cut someone's foot and make it bleed and get infected and make the foot get amputated so they have to get a fake wooden one and walk with a cane and never be normal again.

The parts of the watch (that's you: the little, tiny parts) must never be seen, except by the watchmaker. Thus! the customers shall never see you working. You must hide your work, squirrel it away beneath counters and behind doors. Never shall a customer know that we need notes to keep things straight, they shall never see the machines and notebooks, or hear of the special secret systems that churn in the watchmaker's den. Never!

They shall only hear the ticking* and the see pretty numbers**.

That is all.

*The beep of the barcode scanner.
**On the credit cards and bills they give to us.

Modern Victorian Erotica

Sometimes you get bored. Sometimes you get tired. When you get both, shit like this happens...

The Modern Victorian Erotica series, written by Charles Dickers

- Great Expectations in Bed
- Our Mutual Girlfriend
- A Tale of Two Naked Bodies
- A XXXmas Carol
- Freak House
- David Cop-a-Feel
- Hard Times

L2: Sales Technique

The Book of The Man
Lesson #2: Sales Technique

Stores are scary places, and customers are both weak and stupid. By turning their weakness into your strength and their stupidity into your superiority, the "scary" place will soon become a "rich-as-shit temple of the gods". This list, though incomplete, includes many patented, sure-fire sales techniques.

1. The customer should never be alone. Anything that's scary is 8 times scarier when you're by yourself. Be as close to each customer as possible at all times. From the moment they walk in to the moment they're handing you their credit card/check/cash/bank account number, you need to be by their side, comforting and reassuring them.

2. Only sell books touted by the publisher. There are, after all, a lot of books out there. And who knows those books better than the people that are publishing them? Publishers have to have manuscripts read, email copies to the printers, hire someone to do the proofreading, and lots of other things. Thus, they are very familiar with every book they print. And publishers, as a service industry, have no reason to steer you wrong. It's not like people would pay them money for shitty books, right? So publishers will always make sure you know which of their books are the best (a.k.a. least shitty) and you can pass that expertise and quality onto your customers, who are incapable of knowing what's good and bad without your vital assistance.

3. Never - never - allow customers to aimlessly browse sections of backlist titles. Display tables exist for a reason: to display the books people should buy. Anyone who is allowed to meander away from the tables is in danger of becoming lost amongst the riffraff of backlist titles your store carries to fill out the shelves. Letting a customer into the section shelves is like letting a puppy loose in a mindfield: they'll sniff a lot of things and find exciting smells, but will always get blown up in the end. Because customers have an inate lack of judgment (see #2), they will never be able to suss out a good read on their own. Proust? Evanovich? Chabon? Backlist shelves are filled with lots of names and pretty pictures that can (and will) easily overwhelm your ignorant customers (being all of them). If you're appropriately following #1, lead your customer back to the display tables and start following #2.

As you can see, The Man's patented sales technique work in unison to create a comforting atmosphere without a lot of difficult analyzing or leaving things to chance. Presumably, you got into book selling for one reason: tons of profit. Only by understanding your customers like The Man does can you achieve your wildest money-related dreams. Your customers are your customers, and your the salesman, dammit, so they have to listen to you.

*Image courtesy despair.com

L1: The Art of Advertising

I learned a very important lesson today. They say you learn something everyday, but most of that shit is pointless. This was very important.

The Book of The Man
Lesson #1: The Art of Advertising

- If advertising for a book store, you can cram as much text as possible into any given space. After all, your customers clearly like to read.

- People like pictures, even small, grainy, black & white photos crammed in amongst your endless text.

- If providing a map, be sure to provide extensive text directions from every conceivable location. Not everyone is as familiar with "road signs" and "pictograms" as your fancy pants marketing staff*.

*"Marketing staff" being anyone on your staff who's heard of Photoshop but isn't The Man.

- Reduce your address and contact information to the smallest distinguishable text size. If someone cares that much, they can Google your damn business.

- The truth is boring; people don't want to be bored.

- When lying (as you should always be doing), it is best to be as hyperbolic and bold-faced as possible. People can't feel like your pulling the wool over their eyes if you make your lie completely obvious.

The Man gets "hoodwinked", but won't stand for it

This is how it all went down...

To begin with, we have an upcoming event with one sappy, smarmy bastard I won't name here. To illustrate: Mr. Narcissist's publisher came up a clever marketing plan that includes branded packages of 10 tissues ("because 5 won't be enough"). So, there's that.

Last week, the publisher convinced The Man to preorder and advertise the Golden Boy's new book, which is being released in December.

Well, in the process of some basic business, I discovered a little line on the "new" books cover: "Includes two complete novels". Some not so difficult investigative work unveiled that these two novels have both already been published.

The big rub? Both titles were published by His Greatness' previous publisher - a small paperback imprint. So the new title is just his new publisher grubbing for money off books we already have in stock.

Lesson learned: you don't mess with The Man.

Books We'll Never Carry: The Sacred Book of the Werewolf

We at the store have nothing against sex. Not even The Man. An old incarnation of the shop even had it's own Erotica section. I don't know when this was, but I'm betting it had beads instead of a door. Anyhow...

This is the new book by Victor Pelevin, he of the postmodern Russian allegory. It's like original Russian allegory, but has less to do with Lenin and more to do with memories of Lenin. (OK, it's actually good writing, and I refuse to lie about that in this world of so much not-good writing.)

The book is kind of about sex - prostitutes figure heavily - but I repeat that it isn't the obvious sexuality of the cover that will keep us from stocking it. I won't rule out that the woman's tail will play a role. It's certainly two different things to imply sex with a woman than to imply sex with a fox-woman (technically, she's a werefox, as Pelevin explains).

Really, though, we just don't carry orange books. I'm sitting here, looking around the store, and I only see two orange books anywhere. TWO. That's like .01% of our store. I don't purport to know what The Man has against orange, but the disdain is clear. I, for one, won't stand for it. Which is why I sit down to write the blog.

[Photo borrowed from BookCoversAnonymous. We link to them; over there->]

The Quick and Dirty Book Review, 9/8

1. The Art Thief, Noah Charney: From Publisher's Weekly, via amazon.com...

"flat characters, overly technical exposition and a plot implausible even in the wake of The Da Vinci Code"

The ever ebullient folks at PW finally find something to sink their teeth into, and realize they haven't had a good meal in a long time.

2. The Gargoyle, Andrew Davidson: 'Andrew Davidson Talks About Becoming a Writer' on amazon.com...

"This ambition lasted until I was ten years old, when I spent a year gazing into the abyss, hoping that the abyss would not gaze back at me."

And then, last week, you realized you were a pompous asshole who can only substitute vagueness for emotional depth and authorial insight.

3. Balls, Nanci Kincaid: from the book jacket...

"They see football as it really is--sexy, dirty, sweaty, painful, empowering, corrupt."

Yes, they used "sweaty" to talk about Balls. They also wrote "thuack!" in big quotes on the back cover. Somewhere, someone at Random House is wondering if their joke has gone too far, and Ms. Kincaid is continuing to lose touch with a younger, perhaps cruder, generation.

The Opening Credits

I always like to give credit where credit is due, so I give due notice for our humble little site's name.

First, a mention of Walter Moers' book The City of Dreaming Books, whose influence should be obvious. I heartily borrowed Herr Moers' phrasing, but only as an homage to his wonderfully satirical look at the publishing industry, in the form of an imaginative children's tale - naturally.

And, second, to an unnamed binominal publishing company who manages to ruin pretty much every box of books they've ever sent us. Capable of destruction despite scads of bubble wrap and the occasional effort of double boxing, the wonderful people at this high class publishing establishment hit chords of rancor with The Boss many, many times. Then I get the task of photographing damaged books so we can email the hommes cretinous who work for the besotted organization and explain to them that they're ruining they're own products. In any other business, that would be hara-cari, but they just keep on, keepin' on.

So that's the long and short of it. The work week begins soon, which means the story pile can only grow...