The Art of Selling Gifts

I believe we have already had a conversation similar to this: customers are morons. It's an important point and I am not ashamed to reiterate: customers are morons. Only by understanding this can you master the world of bookselling...

It is now the holiday season. Shit, it's been the holiday season since like September 18th, but now it's really the holiday season. (I have to say holiday because it's 2008). Shopping tends to go up during the holiday season, even in a recession. By combining this knowledge with our knowledge of the customer (viz. they are morons), you can rake in a ton of cash. Here's how it's done:

At this time of year, it is customary for individuals and/or couples to give "gifts" to other individuals and/or couples. Thus, when a customer walks into your store, they may continue to buy items for themself, but they may also buy items for someone else. That's twice the sales.

HOWEVER, do not get cocky and assume that your customers (who are, let's not forget, morons) will remember that they can purchase items for both self and other. People, like all living creatures, are selfish assholes, and will generally spend money only on improving their own ability to reproduce. (NB: Some ideas in this article have been lifted from Richard Dawkin's "The Selfish Gene". I thought Gene was going to be a particularly big prick. Then again, I can't actually read.) Thus, the customer may forget (in their moronity [which is in the dictionary]) that any items purchased from your store could, theoretically, be given away as "gifts".

Your job, as the bookseller, is to remind them. Not gently, but repeatedly and obviously and, if possible, by beating the dead horse until it turns to glue. (NB: Some parts of this article may not be scientifically accurate. I apoologize; I still cannot read.) Do not, I repeat DO NOT, attempt subltly or hinting. What are customers? Exactly. I have provided some examples.

Do NOT say "Take one of these home today". Your customers will (as morons) think, "That sign must mean my home only. Therefore, this item is not available for gift giving." (NB: I have taken some liberty with the language. I am well aware that your customers are too moronic to use a big word like "therefore".)

DO say "Buy one of these AS A GIFT for someone who is not you." Remember that all forms of capitalization, underlining, italicizing and bolding are useful in getting your point across. Feel free to use one or all of them on any given sentence, word, or syllable.

Do NOT say "Makes a nice addition to any library". We do not want to alert customers to the existence of libraries, they don't need to know they can get this shit for free. And the word "any" is awfully general.

DO say "Looks good sitting unread on the desk of someone you know more or less well. Also, cheaper than most other shit they won't use." Don't beat around the bush with these people. Stupid is as stupid does; and stupid does whatever the hell you tell them too.

It is impossible for me to give examples of every situation that may arise during this or other holiday seasons, but use my advice as the base of all your gift advertising techniques and you're sure to pull in a good share of the miniscule disposable income left in this country. Happy holidays, and happy reading (which I still can't do).